Resurrection of the Will

"Are you nervous?" he asked. I was preaching my first sermon, and it was in front of a bunch of people in Lexington, NC that I didn't know. I answered with an understated yet truthful, "Yes." This seasoned pastor's reply was one that would shape much of the way I think about preaching: "Good. Preaching is such a serious task that you ought to be nervous. You are being the mouthpiece of God. The day you stop being nervous is the day you need to stop preaching." Interestingly, I still get nervous; but that's not the point. I'm sure we could argue such a definitive statement, but the spirit behind the statement is what haunts me. I want to preach the Truth. I would hate to stand in front of people and preach a fallacy. Now I'm sure I have, at some point, unknowingly said some things that were untrue. And to be perfectly honest with you, I have at times been tempted to knowingly "contextualize" some passages incorrectly. If you've ever taught a Bible study or preached a sermon, you know what I'm talking about: you know your idea is right but you can't find any scripture to support it. Then you find this verse that really has nothing to do with what you're trying to say, but, out of context, it seems to work. Yea...I've been tempted to do that. I've always withstood that temptation, but it's been a temptation none the less.

Then there are the times when I, out of ignorance, preach something that is false. Deep down I don't even want to know about those things because it plays with my mind. Deep down I hope never to come face to face with those fallacies. Deep down I wish they would just float off into oblivion never to raise their ugly heads again. But that's not always the case. And this is one of those times.

One of my favorite things to talk about has been the "death of the will." I like talking about "dying to ourselves." I like talking about this "death" as a metaphor for an abandonment of our own personal will. I like talking about giving up our own desires in order to yield to God's desires or the desires of others. I like talking about the assassination of our own will in favor of yielding to the will of God. Like I said, it's been one of my favorite things to preach. That's the way I've interpreted John 21:18 -

"I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." (NIV)

Then I had to go out and buy Tony Jones' book The Sacred Way. Tony is great for people like me who have grown up in a Protestant tradition but find the Protestant practice of spirituality to be a little shallow. The book covers all these spiritual disciplines found primarily in Catholic and Orthodox traditions. My plan was to read about all of them and pick out a couple that really jumped out at me to give a try. I read about Silence & Solitude, Lectio Devina, and the Jesus Prayer. Then I got to the chapter on Centering Prayer. The following section jarred me:

"In the seventeenth century, some in France took the writings of St. Theresa of Avila, who promoted a "prayer of quiet" to extremes. Quietists taught the pray-er to become utterly passive, to the point of annihilating the will. Any thought, even of Christ or the cross or one's own salvation, was rejected. This led to great moral laxity, since outward behaviors had no influence on the inner quiet of the person. For good reason, Quietism was condemned in 1687 and died out shortly thereafter." (page 72)

Did you catch that? Annihilating the will? Have I been teaching heresy? Maybe the annihilation/assassination of the will really isn't what "dying to the self" is all about. As a matter of fact, I can see the problem. To remove one's will is to remain open to all sorts of influence. Embracing the will of others is not the answer. Come to think of it...to live life with no will is to live life with no purpose. Life is meaningless. What if, however, we could resurrect the will. Rather what if God could resurrect our will? What if our resurrected will was healed in the same way that my relationship with God is healed? What if it is restored to what God created it to be much like the Kingdom of God restores humanity and the earth to what God intended? What if, in the salvific process, my will is re-embraced. And what if my resurrected will is completely in sync with the will of God?

Maybe going where I don't want to go is really "going where my old, dead, empty will doesn't want to go." Maybe going where I don't want to go is really "going where God wants me to go." And maybe "going where God wants me to go" is precisely where my resurrected will wants me to go.

I'm human, and left to human rationale, preaching will be flawed. I'm sure it won't be the last time I find out I've preached some form of heresy. Thank God for a worldwide faith community full of people like Tony Jones and St. Theresa of Avila who help us keep things straight. Thank God that, eventually, he will resurrect my intellect much like he resurrects my will.